How to Communicate Effectively 

Effective communication skills are essential in determining our ability to have rewarding relations with others and to achieve satisfaction in life.  The quality of our relationships with friends, spouses, children, and colleagues are all dependent upon sound communication skills.  In fact, it is often our failure to communicate effectively that leads to personal disappointment and the breakdown of important relationships.  Unfortunately, we often leave the success of important relationships to chance – until communication fails and the relationships begin to deteriorate.  By then, however, it may already be too late.  This brief guide outlines important characteristics of effective communication and offers practical suggestions for improving these skills.  It will not solve all of your communication problems and it is certainly no substitute for professional help.  However, it will give you some important basic ideas and suggestions.

Listen Effectively

The first step in developing skilled communication is effective listening.  Relating to others is impossible unless you can “fully hear” what they are saying.  To begin, try squarely facing and making eye contact with the person with whom you want to communicate.  Next, let him or her talk freely while you simply try to comprehend what is being said.  Listen for both the feelings and the content of what the person is saying.  If you are not sure you have heard everything or understand what is meant, it is often helpful to paraphrase what has been said and then allow the other person to clarify any misunderstanding of the message.  Try not to let your own feelings interfere at this point or you might miss something important.

Respond Descriptively

Be careful not to respond to an important message with an evaluative statement.  Our culture has programmed us to think largely in evaluative terms – we like something or we don’t; we feel things are either “right or wrong.”  Effective communication is not designed to determine winners or losers.  In communicating, the goal is to learn all we can about someone else’s thoughts and feelings and let that person better know the same things about us.  This process is quite different from that of negotiation in which individuals may view each other as adversaries.  Hence, descriptive statements about the other person’s communication and your reaction to what is said will be most helpful.  Evaluative statements are not helpful and tend to elicit defensiveness.

Use Your Feelings

Feelings are important in communicating.  Often it takes practice to be able to identify them (and use them constructively), but there is hardly any interpersonal issue about which we do not have some feelings.  When you communicate your feelings it is important to be specific and to take responsibility for them.  Sometimes this is referred to as an “I” message.  For example, “I feel angry because you just left without me, and I really wanted to go along.”  Note that the statement is descriptive and includes a statement of feelings.  It allows the receiver of the communication to respond without feeling accused or threatened.  Contrast that with possible reactions to a statement such as, “How could you leave me there like that!” or, “You are selfish and inconsiderate,” or, “Everyone says you don’t care about me.”  In short, express your feelings, negative or positive, as clearly as possible and be responsible for what you say.

Assess Needs

Effective communication considers the needs of all involved.  If you are giving someone feedback about your reactions to an event, be sure that you are addressing something over which he or she has control.  If you do not consider the other person’s needs and ability to deal with your communication, your efforts could be destructive.

Make Timely Responses

Effective communications are delivered at a time when the issue to be discussed is most important, usually as soon as possible after the behavior which requires discussion has occurred.  It can be destructive to save old or unresolved concerns for discussion at a later time or to use them as a weapon (“remember when you…”).  On the other hand, it is important to decide if the other person is ready to handle your communication immediately.  Sometimes, it is best to delay sensitive communications until an appropriate setting can be found for the discussion.  Avoid discussing emotional issues until you are in a place where there is privacy and you can talk freely.

Communication Basics Checklist

Effective communication skills are not easily obtained.  They require practice and feedback from another person to be sure that communication is occurring.  However, as you develop better skills in communicating, they can help you learn more about yourself from others and can greatly enrich the quality of your relationships.  The short checklist that follows may be useful in assessing your need for help in developing better skills and your progress in enhancing your ability to communicate.

• I physically attend to others.
• I listen carefully before talking.
• I speak in descriptive terms.
• I discuss positive feelings.
• I discuss negative feelings.
• I own my feelings (“I” messages).
• I speak clearly and specifically.
• I use good timing.
• I consider other’s needs.
• I encourage others to communicate with me.